Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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