Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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