so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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