How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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