I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
