And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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