I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
