I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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