i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My bed smells like the plague
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
