Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
