Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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