Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
