Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
