Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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