i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
