you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
