Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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