The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
