Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
