I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
