Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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