There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
