Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
