And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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