So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
