I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
