found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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