OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
