I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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