I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
