we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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