when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
