Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
i believe in u and ur pee
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
