You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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