You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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