I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
