The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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