you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
