My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
