You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Randomize
