I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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