It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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