Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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