just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just forgot I was standing up.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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