Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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