saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
