You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
