My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
We smell like vodka and hangover
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