I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
