Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Reggie can tackle my bush.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Randomize
